Deion Sanders. Bo Jackson. Andy Ruden. Jordan Scales. This elite group of multisport athletes are well known for their athleticism, stamina, and endurance. But for Ruden and Scales, it’s much more than that.
As the days slowly grow shorter, the breeze crisper, and the jock itch increasingly more unbearabl-er, these sluggers of the Summer Leagues are gearing up for the upcoming bowling season, which starts September 19th, 2008. Their training regimen includes 2 pushups a day, coupled with copious amounts of whiskey and beer, injected directly into their bloodstreams.
“It’s necesarry,” claims Ruden, wincing at the sight of his IV needle. “Being involved in one professional sport is enough… but for me, I have to be ready to play, and therefore drink, all year round. Ya see this??” Ruden lifted up his shirt, exposing his bulging liver protruding from his side. “Took me three years of strenuous training to get this puppy,” he grinned, lightly patting his disturbingly large vital organ. “If I show it to ya for any longer, I might have to start charging you by the minute. Jealous?!”
I wasn’t. I actually threw up in my mouth a little.
“You may laugh now, but you’ll see the benefit of my alcohol tolerance in late November.” He said, laughing like some sort of comic book supervillian. “Come frame number 10, I’ll be the only one aiming at 10 pins, instead of the 20 pins my competitors will be aiming at, since they will be drunker than I, and they will be seeing double, not having the necessary proper training and all….” He added, starting to trail off.
Jordan Scales has a different theory. As co-chairman of the National Association of Darts and Other Non-Athletic Sporting Events, otherwise known as NADONASE, he sees drinking as an advantage, a performance enhancing substance, if you will.
“Bags, darts, shuffleboard, hopscotch, pool” Scales awkwardly gurgled, holding a keg above his head, while trying to maintain the integrity of the beer hose connecting the keg to his mouth. “Alcohol really helps me get in the ZONE! It’s EXTREME!!!”
Whoa, buddy. It was then apparent not only the amount of talent (and booze) running through the veins of these brave young heroes, but the amount of free time they have training themselves. Their training theory flies in the face of traditional approaches, such as proper diet, exercise, and personal responsibility.
We salute these Multisport phenoms, along with every facet of their superhuman existence. We would just appreciate it if they’d train with pants on from now on – I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.