Birdsall Park. Early evening. 125 fucking degrees. The Hub vs. Jokers. Two nations with differing world views, pitted against each other in a battle over the corner of 4th and Main.
With Zach Ruden recently traded to Dubuque, Marcus Kjeldsen traded to Pittsburg, Jake Arends on the bereavement list, and Jordan Scales nowhere to be found (most likely wandering around in a beanfield, naked and confused), The Hub found themselves with only 7 players, just minutes before game time. Needing a minimum of 8 to avoid a forfeit, several Hub players soaked up their pride and began searching for another body. Were they worried?
No. They marched forward.
With only seconds to spare, they would have settled for anyone to fill in the 8th roster spot–a nine year old boy, a farmer’s wife, or even a hampster with little cleats on (as long as they weren’t metal cleats.) What they got instead, however, was a man no shorter than 7 feet tall and 3 feet wide, who offered to play catcher. Manager Mike Staebell admits the man looked less than athletic. Was The Hub worried?
No. They marched forward.
Now with only 8 players, The Hub was forced to play Jokers — those Red, vodka drinking, freedom hating, Commy bastards — who had a full squad. With Ivan Drago from Rocky IV on the mound, infielder Zach Raymond proudly stepped into the batter’s box. The crowd, dressed in red and enthusiastically waving their Commy Jokers flags, began jeering loudly at their American rivals.
“It was a difficult situation to play in,” remarks Zach Raymond, The Hub’s leadoff hitter. “We knew the world was watching. And we knew that the corner of 4th and Main was on the line.”
The Hub was forced to play with only 3 outfielders and 3 infielders in this slugfest. They scrapped for a few runs here and there, made some defensive plays, and found themselves down 17-12 going into the last inning. Were they worried?
(Actually they were a little bit.) But they marched forward.
Ivan Drago stoically stepped onto the mound, and gave the thousand yard stare to his Commy catcher. His wife, butch-haired, yet curiously attractive, yelled obnoxiously from the stands, waving her red flag to and fro, anticipating a Jokers win.
The Hub lead off the inning with a few hits, then a few more hits, then a few more hits. Before you know it, still two men short, The Hub batted around the order 3 times, and scored 10 runs, taking a 22-17 lead. Ivan Drago wiped sweat from his brow, and let out an angry growl. For the first time all game, the Hub smelled victory, and Jokers smelled defeat (not to be confused with smelling FEET, what one experiences when walking into the entryway of Jokers.)
Jokers bounced back with 4 runs in the bottom of the inning, and with the tying run in scoring position, they hit a ground ball to Shortstop/2nd baseman Zach Raymond. “My heart was pounding. My mind was racing. And my balls? Well, they were sweaty to say the least,” Raymond recalls. Not only were his balls sweaty, but they were made of brass. With the Crowd Chanting, the World Watching, and The Hub Hoping, Raymond shuffled to his left, retrieved the ball, and threw out — you guessed it — Ivan Drago — at 1st base for the final out.
The vodka drinking, freedom hating, Commy bastard Jokers players collapsed. They had been de-FEET-ed. The Hub’s Heroes jumped up and down, met at the middle of the field, and awkwardly embraced each other while trying not to look “gay.”
There will be a victory parade this evening, when the Hub comes marching back to reclaim their corner. The battle of 4th and Main was won, and will forever be remembered by, The Hub.
A Miracle on Dirt to say the least. God Bless America.