Associated Press-Cedar Falls, IA
October 30th, 2008
by beat writer Mike Staebell
After a disappointing post-season, the Hub Softball Team packed up their bags and headed home. Never before has a plane ride been so eerily silent. Except for an intoxicated Jordan Scales, who speaks roughly 175% louder than a normal human being. “THAT FUCKING GUY! I CAN’T *HICK* BELIEVE THAT FUCKING GUY DUDE! FUCK!!” Scales reportedly shouted, while a stewardess tugged at his arm, urging him to quit screaming at a small child.
What Scales was so eloquently eluding to, was the fact that their season was ended abruptly with a collapse of monumental proportions. Leading by 3 runs, with only 8 outs to go in the final game, 1st baseman Nate Prehm from the cross-town rival BIDI’s hit a foul ball down the left field line. Left fielder Jake Arends found the fence, settled under the ball, and prepared to make what he thought would be the final out.
Just then, the Hub’s biggest fan, Andrew Spencer, with his bicycle helmet firmly fastened and his velcro shoes tightly “tied”, reached out in an attempt to snag himself a souvenier. The ball ricocheted off Superfan’s hands, and fell to the ground like a delicate glass chandelier careening down a well of doom.
“FUCK!! FUUUUUUCK!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” Arends exclaimed after seeing his hopes and dreams shattered ironically by the Hub’s biggest fan. “FUCK!!” Arends added.
Prehm followed the blunder of all blunders with a double to right field. It was all downhill from there.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Shortstop Jordan Scales remarked loudly, shaking his head. “It was a fucking trainwreck. I can’t believe that fucking guy. THAT FUCKING GUY! FUCK!”
After a slew of base hits, Anthony “Twan” King gave up hit after hit after hit. “I don’t understand it,” Twan says, “I was throwing meat balls right down the middle, and guys just kept smoking the ball all over the field. I walked like 5 guys in a row. I can’t believe that fucking guy tried to catch that foul ball. Totally his fault. Fuck that guy.”
Dodging beer cups, popcorn, and logic, Twan exited the stadium with one less trophy and one more L in the loss column.
Some took the loss harder than others, and none probably took the loss worse than beat writer Mike Staebell. Staebell, who hasn’t shaved, showered, or shasturbated in months says he’s given up the will to live. “I’ve quit softball, my job, and writing,” he whined, sulking on his couch, sitting amidst a pile of pizza boxes and his own filth. “I mean I really quit writing. The only thing I’ll do is speak. When somebody asks me for my autograph, which happens almost hourly, I decline. The only thing I can do is say my name out loud. That’s the only option I have. I’ve quit.”
Yes, the Hub’s hopes having been trampled upon once again. And this offseason creates an empty space for all the dread, grief, and misery each and every die hard Hub fan carries with them. To them, Hub softball is more than just a game. It’s a DRUNKEN game. A drunken game that gives them something to do for an hour out of every week.
We salute all the Hub fans out there, as they wait for next season. For this off-season, second place will have to do.
Maybe next year Hub. Maybe next year. In the mean time, maybe beat writer Mike Staebell can find it in his gut to pick up the pen, and continue doing what he loves best: writing pointless articles that are based on mistruths and pointless puns.
One can only hope.