Amidst all of the contract extension talks, media hype, and other off-the-field drama, Jake Arends has finally lost his cool. Arends, who has missed the last three games, will miss tonight’s start as he continues to ponder the meaning of life in Southern Uganda.
A source at The Hub’s International Relations office speculates that he may be residing in Southern Uganda alongside Ricky Williams.
“These are my people,” Arends calmly stated in a monotone voice, sitting cross-legged on a bed of bamboo leaves, surrounded by hundreds of skinny Ugandan children. “I understand them. They understand me. All is good.”
His new best friend, Ricky Williams, has apparently shown him the light. (And by “light”, we mean “marijuana.”)
Team Psychologist Anthony “Twan” King has been trying to figure out what happened to the psyche of one of the game’s toughest players. His diagnosis was upgraded from “Weirdo” to “Fucking Whackjob” once he found out that Arends might opt out of his contract and remain in Uganda for the remainder of the season. Right now, Arends is working in a sweatshop that specializes in knitting wool socks. He gets paid 12 cents a week, but could not be happier.
However, Jake apparently forgot to tell his Ugandan Sweatshop Manager that he needs Monday nights off, because the prick continues to schedule him to work, much to the chagrin of Manager Mike Staebell. “Fuck that!” Staebell shouted upon hearing the news, as he tipped over a water cooler and kicked a puppy in the face.
“I can understand his frustration,” Jake “Mahatma” Arends offered, bowing his head. “Mike is entitled to channel his emotions in whichever way he may choose, but kicking a puppy in the face? Irreverent. Just plain irreverent.”
In order to emulate his idol — Ricky Williams — Jake now has dreadlocks, and has ATTEMPTED to grow a beard. “Arends actually tried to give me tips on shaving.” Williams chuckled. “But you know as well as I, getting shaving tips from Jake is like getting hair styling tips from Dr. Phil.”
The Hub will march on without Arends tonight as they take on Target Distribution Center at 6.