Associated Press-Cedar Falls, IA
December 3rd, 2008
by beat writer Mike Staebell
After flying The Hub Softball Team’s 30 million dollar jet to Washington D.C. to request a 30 million dollar government bailout, The Hub’s Chief Financial Officer, Marcus Kjeldsen, was denied every penny. The Hub desperately needed the money to pay salaries, pay off the 30 million dollar luxury jet, and close various tabs its players have run up in local taverns & gentlemen’s clubs during the offseason.
Facing imminent bankruptcy, Hub Management decided to take matters into its own hands. “We’ve orchestrated a very aggressive financial strategy which seems to be working,” an anonymous Hub Senior Executive explains. “It’s the easiest money making strategy we’ve ever been involved in. You may have heard about it in the news.”
The Hub’s alleged finance building strategy requires little time or energy. It does, however, require a Green Bay Packers hooded sweatshirt, a slip of paper with strong language scribbled on it, and a ski mask. The Hub’s anonymous spokesperson went on to say, “We’ve devised a way to ‘invest’ in ‘financial assets’ by being ‘aggressive’ in the local economy.” Twan, I mean – the anonymous source – declined to further elaborate on the matter.
In a completely unrelated story, a fourth bank robbery was reported Monday afternoon after a man stormed into Liberty Savings Bank and gently handed the cashier a slip of paper politely requesting cash. Police were on the scene within hours, after a 6 second walk from their police headquarters. This latest crime marks the 4th bank robbery within 2 blocks of the precinct in the last few weeks. Witnesses say the suspect is a caucasian male in his mid twenties, wearing a ski mask, and a Green Bay Packers hooded sweatshirt. One witness reports the man kept referring to himself in the 3rd person, and babbling something about how Chipper Jones is the greatest baseball player in the history of the universe.
Mayor John Crews acknowledged the slight rise in bank robberies in a statement he made at a local McDonalds restaurant. “Police will be investigating this 4th robbery as soon as we take care of some more important business, such as:
- Ticketing people’s cars on Main Street at 2:01 AM,
- Arresting people for OWI’s after they move a car 16 inches forward so the car was no longer blocking the street,
- Finishing this delicious McChicken Sandwich.”
The anonymous source made the following statement Wednesday while sitting on a pile of gold coins: “Um, yeah. Twan can neither confirm nor deny allegations made by citizens in the community regarding our allegedly unethical financial endeavors. Twan just hopes the Cedar Falls Police Department keeps all those damn illegal parkers off of our streets! Chipper Jones is the greatest baseball player in the history of the universe. Twan be up outta dis piece!”
He then handed beat writer Mike Staebell a slip of paper, which read “BuT wE ArE StilL tRyIng tO sQuEeZe OuT thAt 30 miL fRoM tHoSe cLoWnS iN wAsHiNgToN! NoW emPtY yOuR wAlLeT bEfOrE i tHrOw mY GrEeN bAy pAcKeRs SwEaTsHiRt aT YoU!!”
Twan has been charged with 1st Degree Hooded Robbery, a crime punishable by death in Texas.