Associated Press – Cedar Falls, IA
May 19th, 2009
by beat writer Mike Staebell
To quote the late great Yogi Berra, it’s de ja vu all over again. The Associated Press has confirmed early reports that Hub slugger Jordan Scales has tested positive for TestiBulge, a fertility drug designed to curb the embarrassing side effects of steroids.
To those who might remember, it is the second time in as many years Scales has found himself under the microscope of suspicion. Scales, who last year patented his very own “HGHBurger”, may have finally experienced some negative side effects of performance enhancing drugs.
“I was using TestiBulge for personal reasons,” a bewildered Scales explained to reporters. “Even though this fertility drug is normally used to prevent ball-shrinkage caused by steroid use, that’s NOT why I was using it.”
He then hobbled away, as if he was carrying some sort of dual bowling ball carrier between his legs.
Scales was then issued a mandatory 50 game suspension. Since there are only 13 games in a season, he will not be eligible to play for another 4 years. Scales will be 32 years old.
“I’m very disappointed in that kid,” Manager Mike Staebell admitted, shaking his head. “The news probably made Yogi Berra roll around in his grave.”
Reporters had to remind the veteran manager that Yogi Berra was, in fact, still alive. Therefore, he could not, and would not be rolling around in his grave.
“Oh. Really? Are you sure? Hmmm. That’s awesome. That’s freakin awesome. Yogi Berra’s still alive… Alll-Riiiight! High five!”
On yet another “positive” note, The Hub blasted their way to a 3-0 record last week after demolishing Moen Concrete 26-6 in 5 innings. Scales, not surprisingly, hit 2 more home runs, pushing his season total to 5. With the assistance of a wheelbarrow, he and his abnormally large man melons made their way, quite delicately, around the bases.
Scales will appeal his suspension, and will make the start next week as The Hub tries to improve to 4-0. More next week.