Associated Press – Cedar Falls, IA
January 17th, 2010
by beat writer Mike Staebell
The former Sultans of Swing slugger admitted Thursday that he did, in fact use steroids throughout his famed career. It came as no shock to the American public, who, in recent polls responded, “Ummmm, duuuuuuuuhhhh???!!” over 91% of the time. 6% responded sarcastically with “Oh really? You’ve GOT to be kidding me…(rolling eyes)”, 2% responded “Who the fuck is Skyler Boyer?”, and 1% responded “Really, that’s quite surprising. I was under the impression that he was simply utilizing his God-given talent.”
Not surprisingly, the 1% of the population who felt this way was, in fact, Skyler Boyer himself.
“Sure, I used supplements that were technically banned by the League,” Boyer recently confessed to KWWL’s Ron Steele last week.
“Oh really? You’ve GOT to be kidding me…,” Ron replied cattily, rolling his eyes.
“And yes, I took an abnormal amount of these drugs. And yeah, they may have caused my head, arms, chest, legs, and face to grow abnormally large. And yeah, I’ve been known to kick over telephone poles and use them to floss my teeth, but who the heck hasn’t??” Boyer continued. “But they did not, I repeat, did NOT improve my ability to hit a softball. People are going to try to take away my records, … and I think that’s bullshit. They’re going to say I ended up winning the home run race against [Twan] because of steroid use. And I could go on and on about [Twan’s] involvement with the world of steroids. But I’m not even gonna get into that. … Cause hey, there’s not much I can do about it now. I guess I’m more worried about the City Council members trying to pin me with a perjury charge.”
Boyer was obviously referring to the infamous steroid trials of 2005, when four of the biggest stars in the Cedar Valley were subpoenaed by Cedar Falls mayor and softball commissioner John Crews, to testify in front of over 40 city council members. Anthony “Twan” King, Matthew “Sweets” Peters, Jordan “The Juice” Scales, and Skyler “Boy you sure hit the ball hard” Boyer were among the four.
The men, touting million dollar suits, diamond earrings, and fancy alligator shoes, proudly strutted into City Hall, placed their hands on the Bible, took their oath and denied any wrongdoing. Anthony “Twan” King even brought his very own translator to help interpret not only the questions asked of him but his responses to those questions. The need for a translator was eventually allowed by the City Council, as Twan knows absolutely no other language besides his native “Twanglish,” – a rare and confusing dialect of the English language that features no grammar rules whatsoever.
The Cedar Falls City Council has not made a statement regarding the new developments in the Boyer case. Despite his potential legal problems, Skyler also announced he is returning to the game next year, as hitting coach for The Hub Softball Team.
“I’ve been one of [Boyer’s] biggest supporters throughout this rough time,” Hub skipper Mike Staebell told reporters. “I’m glad he came clean, it will make his return to the game much easier on everybody. Even though that really doesn’t make any sense, that’s what my PR people are telling me to say.”
The Hub may activate Boyer as early as May 1st, depending on whether or not Skyler can successfully swap shifts with Brian from Accounts Receivable. Stay tuned for details.