Associated Press – Cedar Falls, IA
March 2nd, 2011
by beat writer Mike Staebell
After threatening to cut funding for the HuB Softball Team, HuB owner Marcus Kjeldsen has finally agreed to a deal, solidifying a fully-funded 2011 softball season. Early reports indicate that Kjeldsen has begrudgingly negotiated with skipper Mike Staebell, and agreed to fund yet another fiscally irresponsible season as the HuB’s deficit continues to plummet “into the fiery depths of hell,” sources say.
The deal, negotiated behind closed doors and already reeking of back-room deals and Rumple Minze, will reportedly cost The HuB a staggering 4.5 hundred dollars over the next 12 months. That’s “hundred”. With an “h”.
To put into perspective just how much money is being poured into this corrupt, poorly managed softball franchise, let’s examine that number in a way that most average citizens can understand. If you were to stack 4.5 hundred dollars into the air with nothing but 20 dollar bills, end over end, the stack would get like, really really tall. Probably like, halfway to the moon, some experts estimate.
But why, you ask, would Kjeldsen make such an irrational decision? Why would he sacrifice the HuB’s fiscal health for some irresponsible mid-summer madness? Some would point to outside influences like politics or boredom. Other, more skeptical critics could accuse him of trying to negotiate with his political adversaries to maximize benefits across a broad spectrum of special interests and demographics. Other, more rational individuals, look no further than his refusal to supply a birth certificate and put to rest the rumors that he was, in fact, born in the country of Islamica. Pretty sure it’s over there somewhere.
We’re not saying Marcus hasn’t had a rough stretch. We all remember that terrifying two week period, when 33 Freshmen Minors were trapped in the HuB’s basement with little to no food, running water, or MTV. Early attempts to rescue them were unsuccessful, and the Minors became restless, their cell phone batteries running low and their roommates “like, totally freaking out” by their absence. While all 33 Freshmen Minors were eventually rescued (by unlocking the basement door), new equally divisive controversies found their way to the HuB House on a routine basis.
We all remember HuB cuts for the wealthy, the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Anyone I Just Took A Deuce In The Woman’s Bathroom Because There Aren’t Any Doors On Any Of The Stalls In The Men’s Bathroom, and countless other controversies that kept creeping their way into the headlines. And after all of that, our chosen leader has decided to do what? Yep, that’s right. Spend more money.
And here’s the best part – it all comes with a catch. This was part of the little “back-room” deal between Marcus and manager Mike Staebell. According to the deal, HuBernment employees have collectively bargained their way into the starting lineup, enabling a HuBernment mandated starting line up that must accommodate the needs of HuBernment employees. Bartenders, sound guys, door guys, even regular patrons have first shot at the starting line up, as a roster the free market has already decided upon must be compromised. Marcus hopes this intrusive, overarching technique will stimulate more of an “after-the-game crowd” for the HuB on Mondays.“Sometimes you’ve got to spend money to make money,” a Hub House aid told reporters.
“It’s a total mockery of the American system,” snapped Nathan Prehm (R – CF). “I fought tooth and nail for that spot in the order. Now I have to share it with some Big Hubernment employee. Thought this was a free country. Guess not.”
When asked for comment, Kjeldsen simply stared back at the reporter with a blank, slightly confused look on his face.
We expected nothing less, Marcus. Nothing less.