by beat writer Mike Staebell
Locals were shocked last week when news surfaced that The HuB, a popular after school hangout spot in town, plans to close its doors this May. The teen-friendly business—which boasts an assortment of arcade games, colorful wall décor, and the best milkshakes in town—has reportedly been bought out and will soon be reduced to an unrecognizable, featureless mound of dirt and rubble.
“I am saddened to inform you that I have reluctantly sold The HuB to Jimmy Palmer’s wealthy uncle,” read a tearful Marcus Kjeldsen, the quirky yet popular owner of the gang’s favorite hangout. “It appears our beloved HuB has been unknowingly mounted atop a vast oil reserve, and unless we can somehow come up with $50,000 before next Friday, the HuB will be no more.”
Kjeldsen—usually known for his wacky sense of humor, delicious HuBurgers, and hilarious magic tricks—appeared visibly shaken during his annual State Of The HuBion Address, even prior to the earth-shattering announcement.
The situation sprouted a predictable backlash, as several young HuB patrons have begun an ambitious, wacky plan to raise the necessary funds to halt the demolition. “We’re going to host a dance competition, hosted by the world-famous Casey Kasem!” explains Mason Greve of the popular rock band The Pork Tornadoes. “This is our home! And we won’t let some corporate fat cat take that away from us!! Right guys?!”
“RIGHT!” screamed a poofy-haired, teenage mob in unison.
The Pork Tornadoes entertain yet another sold out gymnasium
Bystanders couldn’t help but recognize the familiar narrative. “I don’t know, man,” an anonymous skeptic told reporters. “According to every movie and teen sitcom ever created, the gang will organize some sort of fundraiser, but the antagonist will use its power as leverage and will try to sabotage everything, but in the end their greed and arrogance will be exposed to the public, and the protagonist will eventually reclaim what they almost lost. And then they’ll go home with their new love interest. It’s the standard formula.”
Josh Hubrig gives the oil tycoon a piece of his mind
Greve and the gang aren’t the only ones disappointed over The HuB’s impending closure. Josh Hubrig, The HuB’s principal sound engineer, has been one of the most outspoken critics on the matter. Recently caught on camera pleading his case with Jimmy Palmer’s wealthy uncle, Hubrig went on a long-winded, condescending rant in which he questioned the judgements of everyone involved.
“Frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself,” Hubrig tearfully sobbed to the oil-soaked executive. “These kids are like family to me. And this is our home…”
Not all is lost, however. If the fundraising efforts fail, Mr. Kjeldsen plans to open a new beachfront music venue in George Wyth State Park by the name of “Malibu Bands.” He promises this new hangout will provide just as many wacky adventures and life lessons, complete with beach volleyball leagues and endless beer pong. The only difference will be a slightly altered staff, a newer, less-hot love interest, and a pudgy yet endearingly grumpy new manager.
Catch Greve and the gang, every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, only at the HuB!