Associated Press – Cedar Falls, IA
July 20th, 2010
by beat writer Mike Staebell
HuB utility man Austin Sorgie is finally back with the team after completing a 90 day reHuBilitation for sex addiction at The Sterling Meadows Softball Related Sex Addiction Center (SMSRSAC) in Pine Meadows, CA. Sorgie says he’s finally ready to return to the game, and looks forward to building deep, meaningful friendships with “as many hot chicks as possible.”
Sorgie, who is rumored to have had sex with as many as 4 women since early 2002, finally sought help after the infamous Thanksgiving sexcapade outside his townhouse in downtown Cedar Falls.
According to reports, “strange noises” were heard at Overman Park’s bandshell on Thanksgiving night, not far from Sorgie’s estate. Police were soon on the scene, and discovered a half naked Sorgie “rounding 3rd base” for just the 4th time of his career. The female officer announced her presence, which sparked a high speed chase through the neighborhood, ending when Sorgie crashed his Escalade into a neighbor’s tree. The young mistress followed close behind, frantically waiving a softball bat in the air. Sorgie immediately fled the accident and attempted to jump over a fence, injuring his knee in the process.
The female officer quickly arrested the wounded slugger for evading arrest. While bound by handcuffs, Sorgie made repeated attempts to retrieve the female officer’s phone number. All attempts proved to be unsuccessful.
The young woman involved in the Thanksgiving incident has since released some of the adult-themed text messages allegedly sent by the young sex addict. HuB Softball Monthly(ish) was lucky enough to get their hands on a few of these text messages. The following is just a small sample of Sorgie’s sick, sadistic string of textual advances the night of the incident:
11/26/2009.7:11PM: wut u doin grl? 
11/26/2009.7:16PM: kewl. Meet me at the pump
11/26/2009.7:17PM: Scratch that. Ill bring the pump 2 u lol 😉
11/26/2009.7:31PM: hello?
11/26/2009.9:01PM: imga wanna meet up wit u grl.
11/26/2009.9:45PM: meet me at the bandshell
11/26/2009.9:46PM: the bandshell
11/26/2009.9:46PM: yes, the bandshell
11/26/2009.9:54PM: at overman
11/26/2009.9:55PM: at overman park. wear sturgis falls is
11/26/2009.10:08PM: cuz I wanna bend u overman. I mean bend u overwoman lol 😛
11/26/2009.10:20PM: hello?
11/26/2009.10:24PM: where u at
11/26/2009.10:59PM: kewl. Meet u there. Cant wait
11/26/2009.10:59PM: its pry closed at this hour, so well hafta jump the fenc
11/26/2009.11:11PM: I just downloaded sum tunes 2 my phone so we can screw 2 the groove
11/26/2009.11:12PM: I’ll turn it up ril loud so no 1 can hear us fukkin lol
11/26/2009.11:13PM: I’ll turn it up so loud that the ppl across the street at the police station wont hear us fukkin
11/26/2009.11:16PM: the bandshell kinda looks like a boob
And we all know what happened next.
“I heard music.” Officer Jennifer O’Connor explained to reporters. “Sounded like a cell phone. Coming from the bandshell. Right outside of the precinct. Literally across the street from the precinct.”
Sorgie’s plan was to mask his “fukkin” ruckus by blasting Eminem inside of a bandshell that is not only designed to amplify sound waves, but is closed after 10PM and located directly across the street from police headquarters. Who would have thought that such a brilliant idea would eventually blow up in his face?
“What an idiot.” Officer O’Connor later added.
Sorgie was later slapped with a $35 fine and a 3 hour prison sentence at Cedar Falls’ Maximum Security Detention Center. The young mistress was released without charge.
The media circus that followed has virtually destroyed his numerous endorsement deals. Once the chief spokesperson for the popular dating site eHuBony.com, he has since been dropped; he now only considers himself a registered member. Nike? Dropped. Cadillac? Dropped. Fly ball to right field? Dropped. All because of one man: Austin Sorgie.
Meanwhile, the HuBs hope to slug their way to second place next week as they take on The Other HuB team. Yes, they will be playing with themselves, an activity the recently reHuBilitated Austin Sorgie will know all too well.
Love you Sorg.