Associated Press – Cedar Falls, IA
March 23rd, 2010
by beat writer Mike Staebell
History has been made. The long and arduous battle over HuBCare Reform has finally been won, and is on its way to the Mayor’s desk to officially get signed into law.
The bill, one of the most controversial in Cedar Falls Softball history, vows to grant every player access to affordable uniforms this year.
“A HuB uniform, is now, officially, a RIGHT – NOT A PRIVILEGE!” HuB manager Mike Staebell announced in a suit and tie at last week’s City Council meeting. “No longer will a HuB player have to play shirtless, or bend over for the T-Shirt Companies!”
The bill promises a brand new HuB shirt to each and every HuB player, at the expense of a $10 tax, which infuriates right fielder Nate Prehm, among other Taxed Players.
“A $10 tax?! Just so I can help pitch in for shirts?!! This is Socialism!” Nate yelled from Far-Right Field after the final vote was cast. “We went undefeated last year, and we didn’t even NEED uniforms! This doesn’t make any sense! I want my $10 back!!”
Nate isn’t the only unhappy Taxed Player. HuB owner Marcus Kjeldsen was quick to point out the team’s growing deficit, which will grow to a staggering $5.5 hundred dollars this year after passage of the bill, entrance fees, and other assorted wasteful HuBernment spending.
The bill has faced criticisms from the Far Left Fielders as well. Hubocrats were outraged that “The Pant Option”, a HuBernment funded program that would include a pair of softball pants, along with “Single Player”, free HuBCare for every Single Player, was left out of the bill. Although Staebell publicly admitted that he would support such legislation, he would not insist on it.
“Ya know, I just figured, like, we’d look like the championship team we’ve always claimed to be if we actually, like, ya know, had uniforms and stuff,” Staebell cautiously mumbled. “I mean, it’s only 10 bucks. I don’t see why it’s such a big deal. Nobody has to buy the damn shirt if they don’t want to. We don’t want the Hubernment to come between YOU and your Uniform.”
Staebell’s somewhat centrist remarks have come at a political expense. Angry taxed players have formed a grass-roots organization in retaliation of the “massive Hubernment takeover” of HuBCare, vowing to bring the wasteful spending to an end, and encourage everyone to buy-in to their own T Shirt plan. The “T (shirt) Party Movement” have since traveled across the country, gathering in the streets while angrily holding up signs which have gone so far as to question the citizenship of the HuB’s new manager.
“It’s basically the same plan Mitt Reemsly passed into law in Massechussetts,” Staebell continued in his speech. “I seriously don’t know what the big deal is.”
Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah… uniforms. For those of you on the team, you owe me 10 bucks for uniforms. Another $4 and we could have gone with the Pant Option and got some sweet pants to go with ’em, but the ReHublicans might go nuts and start lighting shit on fire if we went through with it.
Sorry HuBocrats. Maybe next year.